Making friends

Making friends can be challenging; here are some tips.

If You Are in the Market for Friends

If you are in the market for friends, you probably need a friend. That might sound redundant, but it’s not. When we start looking for friends, we’re usually trying to meet an unmet emotional need—and that can create problems. It can make us approach friendship like a transaction rather than a relationship. When we meet someone who fills that need, we may cling too tightly, and that intensity can push people away. As uncomfortable as it sounds, the other person isn’t there for you. They’re there for themselves, trying to meet their own emotional needs too.

Getting friends, then, begins with being the kind of person who meets others’ emotional needs. That’s the paradox of connection: the people most likely to find friends are those who stop searching for what they can get and start offering what they can give. People want to be around others who make them feel seen, valued, and understood.

When you think about who your friends are—or who they might become—it’s worth noticing what draws them to you. Often, people connect because they see something they admire or desire, or simply because they’re also lonely. Popular people, by definition, are often less accessible. They already have their needs met and are less available for new connections.

So yes, there are “good” friends and “bad” friends. Proverbs 13:20 puts it well: “Walk with the wise and become wise, for a companion of fools suffers harm.” Motivational speaker Jim Rohn echoed this idea decades later: “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” In both ancient wisdom and modern psychology, the principle holds true—our environment shapes us. Research on social networks confirms that emotions, behaviors, and even health habits spread through close social ties like ripples across water (Christakis & Fowler, 2009).

Once you understand that, friendship gets easier. Look for shared values and shared interests. The healthiest friendships create something greater than the sum of their parts—what I like to call a 1 + 1 = 3 relationship. These kinds of connections amplify growth, joy, and purpose. They’re often found in healthy marriages, strong partnerships, or communities that nurture collaboration and creativity.

Of course, no friendship is complete without conflict. True friends survive the battle. The best friendships aren’t defined only by laughter and fun but by what they’ve endured together. Resilience through disagreement builds trust—the kind of deep bond that outlasts time and circumstance. Psychologists note that friendships that survive conflict often lead to stronger empathy, perspective-taking, and emotional regulation (Waldinger & Schulz, 2023).

So what can you give to people that might make them your friends? Not money—not if you want real connection. The best gifts are quality time, shared attention, reliability, and kindness. Offer help when it’s needed. Share experiences you both enjoy. In a sense, friendship is not about finding people who complete you—it’s about helping others feel less alone, and discovering yourself in the process.

In the end, friendship starts not with searching, but with serving. To find people who make you better, start by being the kind of person who helps others become better too. When you give freely, without expectation, you stop being “in the market” for friends—because you’ve already found them.

References

Christakis, N. A., & Fowler, J. H. (2009). Connected: The surprising power of our social networks and how they shape our lives. Little, Brown and Company.

Waldinger, R. J., & Schulz, M. S. (2023). The good life: Lessons from the world’s longest scientific study of happiness. Simon & Schuster.