Codependency

Someone with a stronger will manipulates a person with low self-esteem.

It wasn’t until later in my career that I truly began to understand codependency. For years, I sensed something was wrong in the way people related to each other—patterns of control, guilt, and self-sacrifice—but I couldn’t quite name it. When I finally recognized it as codependency, a lot of things made sense. Yet even with understanding, the way out of codependency remains one of the hardest paths a person can walk.

The first time I saw this dynamic clearly was through the book Scars and Stilettos: The Transformation of an Exotic Dancer by Harmony Dust. In it, a young woman from a broken home becomes entangled with a man who serves as both a romantic partner and a father figure. Though he manipulated and exploited her, she tolerated his mistreatment because she feared losing him more than she feared losing herself. Her desperation to preserve connection, no matter the cost, was a perfect example of codependency. (Her story, thankfully, ends well.)

Since then, I have seen this dynamic unfold in countless relationships. Sometimes it’s between a man and a woman; other times between a parent and a child. In some cases, it’s the son or daughter who clings too tightly. In others, it’s a partner whose self-worth depends entirely on how the other person feels about them. Codependency is not confined by gender or circumstance—it is a pattern that thrives anywhere there is insecurity and fear.

At its core, codependency is an imbalance of power. A healthy relationship consists of two whole people who complement each other—not two halves seeking completion. The famous movie line from Jerry Maguire, “You complete me,” sounds romantic but is deeply misleading. When one person relies on another to feel whole, it creates dependency instead of intimacy. In a balanced relationship, each person can stand independently and still choose to share life with the other.

So how do you know if a relationship is out of balance? One clue lies in the word “no.” Can both people say no—without fear, guilt, or punishment? Another clue lies in “yes.” Can both say yes—make small independent choices—without having to ask permission? Healthy boundaries also show up in friendships. Does each person have their own friends, or only shared ones? Do both have goals and dreams that are equally valued? When autonomy disappears, connection turns into captivity.

Once you start recognizing codependency, you begin to see it everywhere. It can feel overwhelming at first. But awareness is not a curse—it’s an invitation. Recognizing imbalance opens the door to healing. As Melody Beattie (1987) writes, “Detachment is not detachment from the person we love; it’s detachment from the agony of involvement.” Recovery begins when individuals learn to value their own needs, to set limits, and to reclaim the power they’ve given away.

Healing also involves confronting the fear behind the imbalance—fear of rejection, abandonment, or unworthiness. Overcoming these fears requires support and self-compassion. Many find encouragement in programs like Co-Dependents Anonymous (CoDA), where people share experiences and learn healthier ways of relating. Over time, new patterns of self-respect replace the old reflexes of guilt and control.

Codependency is not a life sentence. It’s a pattern—a learned survival strategy that can be unlearned. The goal is not to become independent to the point of isolation, but to cultivate interdependence, where two whole people choose connection freely. Recovery means rediscovering your voice, reclaiming your “no,” and remembering that love should never cost your sense of self.

References

Beattie, M. (1987). Codependent no more: How to stop controlling others and start caring for yourself. Hazelden.

Morgan, B. (2021). Understanding codependency: Pathways to healthy relationships. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-compassion-chronicles/202105/understanding-codependency